Make Me Look Like Myself

This part of the story is hard because it’s graphic but it’s the part of my story that taught me to face my greatest fear.

I faced my Mother lying in a casket. Eyes closed, makeup applied, hair done, cold to the touch.

As her oldest daughter I felt I had a responsibility to carry out. I, along with my family, had to make sure that my Mother looked like herself to those that would view her.

And she did. My Mother had given instructions for her services. She knew what she wanted to be buried in, she knew who she wanted to sing and she knew what songs she wanted to be played.

What people may not know is before the public viewed her our family viewed her privately, the day before the services, and her makeup was wrong.

My Aunt handled it (thank God) and she looked like herself.

But, before we got to the viewing, I had a complete breakdown. I knew this day would be one of the last days that I would physically see my Mother and it broke me.

I cried. I broke down and I cried again. Then I decided to put on clothes and face my fear of viewing my Mother. I put on an off-white dress because I knew she was watching me and I wanted to look good for her.

I was the first to arrive at the funeral home. I was nervous but my Dad pulled up, my Aunt came, my Great Uncle came and my Grandfather arrived and I was comforted by their presence.

Waiting was hard but being with my family made it bearable. It took a little while before I could view my Mother, but when I did. I lost it. I didn’t want to see her that way. I couldn’t force myself to walk down the aisle so my Dad and my Great Uncle walked with me.

I got up close enough to see that she was still beautiful but that she was gone. My Mother, my everything, was lying in a casket. My grief was unbearable.

Seeing her beautiful yet lifeless hurt. It was a pain that I had never felt but I knew I had to carry on. My Mother knew it was going to be hard for me to see her lying in a casket but she also knew that my family would help me through it (and they did).

I walked out of the funeral home as a Motherless daughter, broken and afraid, but I found a way to face the sun because I knew I had made my Mother proud.